You know you are drinking too much coffee when . . .
You ski uphill.
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You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
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You lick your coffeepot clean.
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You can type sixty words per minute . . . with your feet.
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You can jump-start your car … without cables.
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You don’t need a hammer to pound nails.
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You don’t sweat, you percolate.
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You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
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Instant coffee takes too long.
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When someone says. “How are you?” you say, “Good to the last drop.”
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You can thread a sewing machine, while it’s running.
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You help your dog chase its tail.
Famous Last Words
It’s fireproof.
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He’s probably just hibernating.
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What does this button do?
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I’m making a citizen’s arrest.
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So, you’re a cannibal.
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It’s probably just a rash.
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Are you sure the power is off?
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Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
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The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
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Pull the pin and count to what?
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I wonder where the mother bear is.
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I’ve seen this done on TV.
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These are the good kind of mushrooms.
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I’ll hold it, and you light the fuse.
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This doesn’t taste right.
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I can make this light before it changes.
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Nice doggie.
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I can do that with my eyes closed.
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Trust me.
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Well, we’ve made it this far.
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That’s odd.
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Don’t be so superstitious.
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Now watch this.
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What duck?
Church Signs
“No God – No Peace. Know God – Know Peace.”
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“Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!”
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“Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.”
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“Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!”
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“People are like tea bags, you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.”
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“When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out all right.”
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Fight truth decay — study the Bible daily.
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How will you spend eternity, Smoking or Nonsmoking?
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Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives.
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Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.
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It is unlikely there’ll be a reduction in the wages of sin.
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Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.
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If you’re headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.
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If you don’t like the way you were born, try being born again.
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Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon.
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This is a ch__ch. What is missing? ——- (U R)
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Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
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In the dark? Follow the Son.
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Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up.
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If you can’t sleep, don’t count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.
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Jesus Is Coming…Don’t miss him for the world.
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People who wait until the eleventh hour to call on Jesus, die at 10:30.
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A merry heart doeth good like a medicine. Proverbs 17:22
The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:
free yorkshire terrier.
8 years old. Hateful little dog.
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free puppies:
1/2 cocker spaniel -
1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog
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free puppies…part german shepherd -
part stupid dog
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German shepherd 85 lbs.
Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
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found: dirty white dog.
Looks like a rat…
Been out awhile..
Better be reward.
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1 man, 7 woman hot tub — $850/offer
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amana washer $100.
Owned by clean bachelor who
seldom washed.
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snow blower for sale…
Only used on snowy days.
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2 wire mesh butchering gloves:
1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15
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tickle me elmo, still in box, comes
with its own 1988 mustang, 5l, auto,
excellent condition $6800
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cows, calves never bred…
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
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full sized mattress.
20 yr. Warranty.
Like new. Slight urine smell.
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free 1 can of pork & beans with
purchase of 3 br 2 bath home.
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nordic track $300
hardly used, call chubby
My Spill Chequer
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew
Statements That Accompanied Applications for Aid & Assistance
In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
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I am writing to the Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?
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I cannot get sick pay. I have six children, can you tell me why?
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I am glad to report that my husband who was reported missing is dead.
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Please find for certain if my husband is dead, the man I am living with can’t eat or do anything until he finds out.
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I am very annoyed that you have branded my son illiterate, as this is a lie. I was married to his father a week before he was born.
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I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children, one of which was a mistake as you can see.
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Unless I get my money soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
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You have changed my little boy to a little girl. Will this make any difference?
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Please send me a claim form as I have had a baby. I had one before but it got dirty and I burned it.
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Please correct this assessment. I have not worked for the past three months as I have broken my leg. Hoping you will do the same….
Computer Errors
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Tim, the computer guy, to come over to my office. Tim clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.
He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, “So, what was wrong?”
He replied, “It was an ID ten T error.”
I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: “An ID ten T error? What’s that … in case I need to fix it again??”
Tim grinned…. “Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?”
No, I replied.
Write it down, he said, “and I think you’ll figure it out.”
(I wrote…) I D 1 0 T
What gender is your computer??
As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., “Steady as she goes” or “She’s listing to starboard, Captain!”).
Recently, a group of computer scientists (all male) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are female:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message “Bad command or file name” is about as informative as, “If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you.”
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:
Three reasons to believe computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
The Speeder
A guy is speeding down a highway and he gets pulled over. The cop says, “You were speeding.”
The guy says, “No I wasn’t, I was just going slow.”
The guy’s wife in the Passenger seat says, “No officer, He was speeding the whole time.”
The guy glares at his wife and says, “Shut up!”
The cop says, “I see your seat belt is off. May I ask why?”
The guy says, “Well I saw you were gonna pull me over and you were gonna ask for my license, so I took it off and got it out.”
The guy’s wife says, “No officer. He has had the seat belt off the whole time.”
The guy says to his wife, “What is wrong with you?”
The cop leans over to the wife and asks, “Is he always this mean to you?”
The wife says, “Only when he’s drunk.”
